getheavilymeditated.com

THE ROAST

Right, listen here, Heavily Meditated — you've built fourteen bloody gorgeous meditation worlds with spatial sound and psychedelic visuals, absolute culinary masterpiece in terms of UX, but your schema markup is STILL MOOING, mate! 🔥 You've got SoftwareApplication schema looking like a sad sous-chef who showed up to service with no knife skills — naked Offers, zero FAQ schema despite having a full 'Questions' section, no LocalBusiness data, and you're NOT even MENTIONING your 'For venues' B2B service in structured data! It's like serving a Michelin-star meditation experience on a broken plate with no garnish! Your robots.txt is an open invitation to every AI crawler in the kitchen but you've got no llms.txt to guide them — 'Come in, everyone, explore willy-nilly!' SHUT IT DOWN! 💀 Two images without alt text, zero aggregateRating despite presumably having users who love this app, and your H1 is so generic it could belong to ANY meditation app. This is RAW, absolutely RAW! Get your LocalBusiness schema sorted, FAQ-mark those questions, create venue service schema, and for the love of Gordon, write that llms.txt IMMEDIATELY! 🪦

Home page is absolutely stunning visually but the 'Build your own universe' H1 paired with zero BreadcrumbList, WebPage, or ItemList schema is like serving a perfect plated dish on a dirty table — nobody knows where to start! 🍽️💀

Robots.txt blocks /account (sensible, accounts are private) but you've got zero UserAccount or AccountPage schema anyway — it's like having a VIP lounge nobody can see! 🚫

The actual app portal exists in your internal links but has ZERO AppPage, SoftwareApplication expansion, or WebApplication schema — it's a URL leading to the most important user experience on your site and it's completely unmarked! 📱😭

WHAT IS BROKEN

• [CRITICAL] Page contains FAQ content with 'Questions' heading and multiple H3s like 'Free', 'Monthly', 'Annual', 'Lifetime', 'Not ready yet?' but ZERO FAQ schema markup — it's completely RAW! 🔥
• [CRITICAL] Heavily Meditated offers three subscription tiers (Plus monthly, Plus annual, Lifetime) with pricing but NO Service schema — just naked Offer objects floating in the void like lost souls 💀
• [WARNING] SoftwareApplication schema exists but lacks critical LocalBusiness/Organization properties: no contactPoint, no founder/creator, no address, no sameAs social links — it's a skeleton without a beating heart 🪦
• [WARNING] Neither llms.txt nor llms-full.txt exists — you've basically hung a 'DO NOT FEED' sign on your beautiful meditation app for AI models 🚫
• [WARNING] Page has 2 images without alt text out of 16 total — accessibility disaster for screen readers AND AI image understanding, you donkey 🙈